I puked a lego.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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