Can i not drive my cunt home
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Found your dick twin last night
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
