you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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