I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
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