Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
