Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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