If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
