I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
