i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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