You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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