I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
