Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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