You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
