and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
