oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
This is the high leading the old right now
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
