It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
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I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
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I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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