Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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