I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
