the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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