oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
