So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
