Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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