ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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