I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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