I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
you didnt know i had herpes?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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