Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
