May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
