He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
