We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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