Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
