My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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