and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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