it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
