eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
