You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Randomize
