and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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