the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
