I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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