I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
