Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
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i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
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It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
send nudes
from the living room?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize