She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
