I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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