i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
We need to get me chipped asap
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
