i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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