so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
