she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
