sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
