I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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