dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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