Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
