Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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