If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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