So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
