I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
So here I am, sexting at work.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
